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HELP WANTED

Thursday, June 9th, 2011

It’s not often I feel sorry for millionaire infants with names like ‘Apple’ and ‘Moses’, but in view of the intensive education two such children are about to be subjected to, a little sympathy is not absurd. For last week a notice roughly along the following lines was posted:

‘Wanted: private tutor to teach two kiddies of Hollywood actress and moody singer.
Person specification: fluency in ancient Greek, Latin, French and Spanish. Grade 8 qualification in two musical instruments. Ability to sail and play tennis. Willingness to travel. Applications to Ms Paltrow and Mr Martin. No time wasters please.’

Despite the inducements (£60,000 a year, free London flat, global travel), given the requirements, I imagine this will be one of the few graduate job advertisements of recent months without hundreds of applications. If anything Gwynnie and Chris will struggle to find their perfect applicant – not that it’s impossible. I myself was picturing the perfect candidate as some Mediterranean island-born Classicist of international lineage who has thus far spent his or her life sailing around the Med in search of ancient ruins and chronicles his or her life at sea in music. A sort of cross between Ellen McArthur, Stephen Fry and Elgar.

But then I realised that such hybrid fantasies were nonsense, for here in the A&B office we already have the perfect candidate, in the shape of our own Chiara. She’s fluent in French and Spanish (and Italian – bonus points?), despite her modest denials demonstrably knows some Latin, is good with a boat and a racket, and is not unknown to tickle the ivories, pluck a melody or two out of the guitar, and is very enthusiastic about her recorder abilities. All she needs do is fudge her way through beginners ancient Greek and a life of luxury – and convincing a 7 and 5 year old that Latin grammar really is more thrilling than watching Doctor Who – could be hers!

Georgina Phipps, Editorial Administrator

chiara Says:


Right…I’m off to make my application now. Adieu A&B, Hellooo Highlife! (Oh why, WHY didn’t I pay more attention in my Latin class? All I remember is ‘Tu est mendax!’ which is what Mr Martin will undoubtedly be saying to me, when he calls my bluff…)

Posted on June 9th, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Liz Says:


Ha! I love this. Noooo, Chiara – you can’t leave A&B – they and us keep you real.

Can you imagine their false lives? Oh dahling *smooch smooch* you look positively dreadful. What HAVE you done with your hair/skin/clothes. Let’s go shopping and fly to Paris for dinner?

No, sorry – I veto this move. You will be bored senseless.

L x

Posted on June 9th, 2011 at 3:56 pm

chiara Says:


You make a convincing argument. I don’t even own one pair of Jimmy Choos, my makeup consists of a once-over with blusher and I’d probably get competitive with Gwyneth in the kitchen (I’m half-Italian after all!) Nope, you’re right, I wouldn’t fit in – putting the application in the bin now…

Posted on June 9th, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Froggy Says:


Dear Chiara
I agree with Liz, errare humanum est, but don’t you make that one!!
Beside, aren’t you well known for the infamous sentence : Ave A&B morituit the salutante ( pas sure comment ca s’eppelle…)?
Alea jacta est! y como le escribe, la poubelle is the best place por la application.
Ciao Chiara :-)

Posted on June 9th, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Susie Says:


As if I’d let you leave anyway! Surely the fabulous, glamorous celeb lifestyle of Primrose Hill is no match for the fun & frolics we have in Charlotte Mews …

Posted on June 10th, 2011 at 11:55 am

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