Shopping Basket

Behind-The-Books Blog

Cracking, Your Majesty…

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

Q: ‘What is a pedestrian?
A: ‘It’s one of those things motorists drive over.’

This is the Christmas cracker joke read by Lionel Logue, speech therapist, to George VI, patient and king, who, after a contemplative pause, responded that it wouldn’t work in his Christmas broadcast.
He was quite right. Pedestrians and the driving over thereof blatantly have nothing to do with Christmas. So while the anonymous joke-elf behind this royal wheeze is to be applauded for striking such a deliciously dark note, I would, were I his joke-factory line manager, reprimand him pretty darn severely for not sticking to the theme of the month. That being, quite inescapably, Christmas.

This is the problem with cracker jokes even today. It’s not that they are bad that is my problem – it is that I would have more sympathy with a bad joke if the brain behind it had made an effort to relate it to the convoluted tradition in honour of which, once a year, we pull apart a paper toy with a weary sense of duty. Surely sticking to the topic is not that difficult, the number of things related to Christmas is endless and covers all topics of interest – flora, fauna, great men, little men, food, entertainment, religious persecution.

To prove my point, and in the communal, mucking-in spirit of Christmas, I invite you all to assist me in writing one particular joke, about that most Christmassy of chaps Charles Dickens, which has been the source of much vexation over the past weeks:

Q: Have you heard about Charles Dickens’ lemon zester?

This opening line comes courtesy of a jolly amusing friend of mine, the ending sadly still eludes us all – but could conceivably include such highly amusing word play as ‘twist’, ‘pip’, ‘grape expectations’ or even ‘A tale of two citruses’ – though even I will admit that’s pushing it a bit.  Suggestions most welcome. (In fact, a copy of I Hate Christmas up for grabs for the best answer!)

Georgina Phipps, Editorial Administrator

Bob Says:


Have you heard about Charles Dickens’ lemon zester

He threw it away as it gave him the pip !!

I,ll get my coat !

Posted on December 17th, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Stacey Says:


Have you heard about Charles Dickens’ lemon zester? It really grates on your expectations…

Posted on December 17th, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Jennifer Says:


Have you heard about Charles Dickens’lemon zester?
All you need to make it work is a bit of a twist. Watch out for the Pips though…

Sorry, that was particularly bad, I’ll try some more:

Have you heard about Charles Dickens’ lemon zester?
I once saw it at the Dickens’ house museum. It was a Bleak House…

Have you heard about Charles Dickens’lemon zester? We had Great Expectations of it when until we fell on Hard Times.

Have you heard about Charles Dickens’lemon zester?
Apparently when new it only cost a (Nicholas) Nickel(by).

That one was really scraping the barrel. I’ll stop now.

Posted on December 18th, 2010 at 1:23 am

Jennifer Says:


Have you heard about Charles Dickens’lemon zester?

He used it on the best of limes and the worst of limes…

Posted on December 18th, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Bob Says:


Good efforts by Stacey & Jennifer, but I look forward to receiving the said prize in the first class post, signed & with a dedication!!!!

Posted on December 20th, 2010 at 1:12 pm

Leave a Comment

  • Currently we are...

  • …Liking

    Lesley: This charming blog by a Penguin book collector, A Prenguin a Week.

  • …Reading

    Going Too Far, by Catherine Alliott. Susie: I rarely read 'girly' books but came across Alliott a few years ago. I've read 3 of her books thus far, and was delighted to spot this one for 30p in a charity shop. I've not opened it as yet but am hoping for another witty, grown-up, middle-class romcom, with lots of 4x4s and country houses!

  • …Tweeting